What a glorious week it has been. Here in NorCal, we were blanketed with five feet of much needed snow. I wish I could tell you that I dusted off my snowshoes and headed to the mountains to hike with God. But this week I skied with our Heavenly Father. My family and I headed to Truckee along with the masses and took to the slopes, looking for our first powder of the season. There is something so special about virgin snow, white crystals with untracked slopes is nothing short of fabulous. Our sweet Lord has brought us the much needed love for our mountains.

I have been reading and listening to the Bible daily since the first of the year. God knew that this was going to be a tough season for me. It always makes me pause when I read scripture and wonder when was that put in the word? How did I miss this the last time I read that verse? In Exodus, Moses is chosen to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and into the promised land. Over 400 years ago God had promised Abraham, Issac and Jacob this land filled with milk and honey to be their land, the resting place for the Jewish nation. Moses was an ordinary guy, under some extraordinary circumstances and God commissioned him to take his people away from Pharaoh. Pharaoh was having no part of this and Moses did not believe that he possessed the qualities, nor the ability to free his people from slavery. He asked God, who am I to lead these people out of Egypt? I wonder oh so often, why me God? Why would you think I can do this or how can I make a difference? Our Father in heaven sees us with such different lenses. He equips us to do the impossible. He created us to be the person He knows we are to be. If only we will allow Him to take the reigns, our abilities are endless!

I have walked through valleys and have climbed mountains not knowing how I would make it another step. Literally, I have fallen down, twisted and bloody wondering who am I to think I can do this? But God knew I was capable of what He sent me to do. He provided the training, the heart, the willpower, the focus and determination it would take to complete the journey He sent me on. Don’t ever think that what you are in the midst of, that there is no possibility of finishing what He has started in you! I have enough faith that even when I cannot continue, I can always lean on my Lord and He will provide me with whatever I need to tackle the next obstacle, to clear the hurdle, to find a way. He never sends me out without knowing that He will be my guiding light and will show me who he needs me to be.

The next time when you ask yourself who am I, remember the one who created you and leap at the opportunity to be who you are!

Grief, we all have felt it. Whether it is the loss of a loved one, a job that has discontinued, a home that was engulfed in a fire or just today’s events, we all know grief. This past year, 2020 was filled with hope and possibilities. Just the thought of a double digit year seemed awe-inspiring. Spring came, and things were going in a different direction. I remember my grandson and I were skiing in Lake Tahoe and thanking God for the late snowfall. The year had been fairly dismal for snow accumulation, but the week before Easter, we received 3-4’ of fresh powder. We were so excited to be able to ski a bit longer, took our final run of the day, and thought, we would be back tomorrow to enjoy another day. But then, everything changed. Northstar, along with all Epic Ski Areas, and for that matter all ski areas closed for the season! We were crushed. We received an email from school shortly after and they too had closed to on-campus learning, with no definite time of reopening. Flights were cancelled, trips were postponed indefinitely, and people were told to isolate in their homes! One by one, the freedoms we took for granite where being taken away. Grief came upon us and we all knew that times were changing.

There will always be great grief in this life. Last Sunday, my mother was taken away to be with the Lord. I feel a loss that is so profound, one that is too hard to describe. I see my father who is dearly missing his life-partner, his bride, his soulmate, and how that hurts my heart so greatly. Why do we experience such emotions and how do we get through day after day when one person after another, one desire, one hope or one dream is taken away? I find myself asking God a lot of questions these days. He doesn’t always answer but I know he hears me. Lord, what did you say to Mom when she arrived? Is she looking down on me and Dad? Is she dancing and singing like an angel? Sweet Jesus, when do I get to see her again, to hold her, to feel her presence, to laugh with her? And when will this grief stop hurting so bad?

I keep thinking of Jesus when he lost his dear friend Lazarus and John 11:35 says “he wept”. Jesus knew that he would raise Lazarus again so why did he weep? Did he feel the pain and suffering of Mary and Martha? Did he feel the sin of death that Adam and Eve imposed on this world? Did he know that his time was short and he would soon personally know his own death? I believe he felt all the same things that we feel, all the sorrow and pain that we experience. He was human even though he is God. Jesus knows exactly what I am feeling. He knows all the pain that you are experiencing. I wonder if Jesus wept when my mother died and I think he did. I believe that He cried when he saw my father’s pain, and when he saw me and my sister kissing my mom goodbye for the final time here on earth. There is a Swedish proverb that says, “Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.” There are some things in life that are best done alone, but sorrow is undoubtably better shared.

As the days pass by, I have comfort in knowing that our Lord and Savior understands my every emotion. He walked this path, he has felt denial, rejection, and he has felt loss. Each day is made new, every moment and every breath that I have is certainly a gift. Thank you Jesus for walking this journey with me, with my family and surrounding us with people who love and share our grief. There are tears in heaven but I believe they are tears of joy in knowing that we will all be together again. And that gives me incredible hope and solace.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we may comfort those in trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

This is the hardest trail I have ever encountered. The trail of hardship, of pain and suffering and letting go. The woman who birthed me, who raised me to be the adventurous spirit that I am, lost her fight today. Wanda Mae Gilbert is my mom. She is a spitfire, flaming red hair, tall and strong, and did I mention, drop dead gorgeous! When she was younger, she was a model and sought after seamstress. She even tried out to be a Rockette, but was told she was an inch too short. They truly missed the boat because her legs would’ve made up for any deficiency in height!

She has been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of weeks. Mom had many underlining conditions which were exasperated by COVID. This is such a cruel virus as some have no idea they even have it, while others are fighting for their lives. Mom came home the night before last. She was quite weak but honestly, we wanted her home instead of sitting in a not-so-sterile hospital. Memorial Hospital has some incredible nurses and doctors but there is “no place like home.” Yesterday, was a good day. She was smiling, trying to eat some Cream of Wheat, and doing the best she could to get through the day.

Mom is one of those old school gals who never quits. She fights even when she really doesn’t need too any longer. My Dad Jerry, Sister Kari and I have been taking shifts at holding Moms hand, trying to calm her breathing, and just comforting her. Honestly, she is still comforting us as she reaches out to hold our hands in between gulps of air. I had no idea how truly strong this woman is, but I do know the strength of the Lord endures forever.

“But the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, he himself restores you, makes you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10

Mom has exemplified strength, steadfastness, and pure grit. In life, she raised two awesome women, my sister Kari and myself, and became the first woman, let alone the first business ever to acquire rights from both Walt Disney and Warner Brothers to embroider cartoon characters on her designer jeans, shirts and sweaters. Yes, I was pretty popular in high school between Cartoon Characters of America (CCA) clothing along with all things Sassoon Jeans. I get it. If you are not a product of the 60-70’s, you probably have never heard of Sassoon Jeans but the cool kids all had them! Mom was the designer and purchaser of all fabrics for these Jeans. But truly Mom’s most important role was inducing me to Jesus Christ. She enrolled me to First Baptist Church of Van Nuys for school when I was five years old. I learned many scriptures, memorized Psalms but more important, I had a personal relationship with Jesus, and nothing could stand in my way.

Today, my Dad Jerry, my sister Kari, my husband George and I had the pleasure of sending Mom home to live eternally with Jesus Christ. We were so fortunate that Mom was escorted home two nights ago by a fancy limousine called an ambulance. She was too weak to go from the hospital to our private car but she was strong enough to have two wonderful Medical Technicians bring her home. We called Hospice today, who are angels in their own right, and they proceeded to assist us through the next stage of life. Nurse Laurie was the absolute sweetest woman who just knew how to walk us through the final steps of Mom’s life on earth. We didn’t expect that we would be saying goodbye to her earthly existence quite so soon, but our Heavenly Father had already prepared her way. We spent the day praying with Mom, loving her and holding her hand, caressing her and making sure that there were no unspoken words. Why is our amazing God so gracious that he gives us this precious time to say all we needed to say to our loved ones? Mom was laboring and as the meds arrived, Dad crawled in bed with Mom. Shortly afterwards, she breathed her last breath. As Dad left to take a much needed respite, Kari and I felt Mom’s humanly spirit leave her body. It was the most peace we had experienced all day.

My Mother was and is the one who taught me to love. She had an unconditional love that could only be described as the love of Jesus. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body, never held a grudge and to her last day, had a smile on her face and didn’t complain. I am one amazingly blessed woman with a modern-day example of love. The hope I have is that I will see this beautiful lady again. She is made anew, no pain, no suffering, no dementia, no fractured back, no heart disease, and no COVID. She is whole, singing and dancing and having one heck of a reunion in heaven. Thank you Mom for being the best friend a daughter could ever have. And thank you Jesus for your mercy and taking wondrous Wanda home to be in your loving arms!

Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love.

This was a phrase that REI captured many years ago. How they capitalized on something so simple and so natural as spreading our wings and venturing outdoors, is just brilliant. As I spend much of my time with my parents these past weeks, getting outside means more to me now than ever. The simplicity of taking a walk, getting away from these four walls while hearing the absence of the heater running, the television blaring or the simple act of just stepping away from technology, is truly magical. Sometimes I forget what it is like to breathe fresh air, feel the breeze upon my face, or hear my heart race as I climb a mountain. At times I feel those simple acts are miles away, when in fact, they are just outside.

Jesus woke up early every morning to talk with Father God. He would leave his disciples, his comforts and confines and sought time to be with his loving father. He was intentional. Everything he did, had meaning and purpose behind it. “He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came he was there alone.” Matthew 14:23-24. This gives me pause as I lean into this scripture. It is only a few words, in between a time and place where Jesus led his disciples to a boat and later rescues them from the roaring seas. I can so easily overlook the importance of seeking God, knowing that I need Him but yet toss to and fro, feeling like I am in the boat with Peter. I wonder how my life would change if I took the time, made a daily appointment to step outside and seek my Lords’ guidance before I started my morning rituals? This is crazy. Of course I must stop every morning, pray for God’s wisdom before I venture into my day. But if I am to be honest, I do not.

Jesus is our ultimate example. He is all-knowing, absolute perfection yet he still required alone time with God. As I walk the trails, it is just me and God walking hand in hand, conversing about the day ahead, seeing his beauty and wonders that he has so brilliantly orchestrated ahead of my steps. There is a rhythm that I get into, something that is so natural and easy. But life off-trail is so much more complex. I feel that I have all these plans, my plans, and its not as simple as packing up my few possessions and walking. There lies the problem. Until I sit and lean into Jesus, my plans are only that. They are ordained by me, but not by God! As I write this, I realize that many of you have this so much better figured out than I. Sometimes, this is me speaking to me and just sharing it with you. I love that vulnerability to be real and know that the only way we truly grow is when we allow others to know who we are.

Today as I walk out my door, I lift up my arms and thank God for all he has done in me. And pray that He will work through me so that I can truly bless others around me. Our relationship with Jesus is one that we build alone but then, we are commanded to share it with others that we meet along the way. Today I will be more intentional and I will be the light that He has created me to be. Once I commit to His ways, then I can truly get outside.

A man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Each day is such a gift. So cliche’, but is it? Yesterday was a glorious day! My family woke to new possibilities. My earthly father was whistling like he had all the breath that God has blessed him with. Just a couple of days ago, he could barely breath! But our wonderful and miraculous Heavenly Father granted him another day. No cliche’ in my mind!

As we went through our day, we received blessing upon blessing. The Doctor from the Pain Management Clinic called and was willing to stay through his lunch break to evaluate my Mother. We have been on a waitlist for the past month, and were not scheduled to see the “sought after doc” until mid-March. Now we have a lunch date with him tomorrow.

Mom and I celebrated by sitting on the patio and soaking up some much needed Vitamin D. The birds were chirping, eating little worms from the ground, the flowers were glistening from the early morning mist and life was as sweet as pie from Blooming Farm Bakery. (Hence the picture above.) Sometimes all you need to walk with God is a step outside your door. Indeed, that’s as far as this dynamic duo made it. That is all God required us to do to experience his countless blessings.

As the evening rolled around, Mom started having her seizures again. These have been off and on since the beginning of last year and after all the hospitalizations, pokes and prods, there hasn’t been much determined. More tests, EEG’s and CT scans but still no answers. We watched our nightly Hallmark movie and retired early to bed.

This morning was going to be the trip to Doctor Pain Management. Yet Mom was not having it. After yesterday’s beautiful, most wonderful day, today was nothing of the same. Wanda, my sweet Mom, continues to endure small seizures this morning and needless to say, we are hunkering down. These are the days when I wonder how strong I really am? Can I get through this with faith alone? And then God reminds me that each day is truly a blessing, an incredible unwrapped gift! As my prayers are heard, God remains true. I need to trust even in the darkness, because I know there is miraculous light just around the next corner. Surely Jesus will show His mercies in the early morning glimmer.

I fix my eyes on things unseen, on days ahead and must believe that better hikes, walks with God, are around the bend. At times it seems like a cliche’ but today it is, truly a gift! And who knows, who will be holding who’s’ hand on that walk? I can only pray that I will be there with my Godly Father, hand in hand, every step of the way. Many prayers for my family as we continue our journey, one step at a time, one continuous walk in faith.

Thank you Lord that even though I do not deserve anything, you still shower me with your amazing grace! This is not earned, as we are told. I did nothing to deserve it. This morning I received a phone call from my father’s business partner and second daughter Crystal. Dad was having a hard time breathing and she was sending over her husband Donnie to check on him. Dad has many underlining conditions and yes, without realizing it, I exposed him to this deadly virus. They rushed over to the house to access Dad’s condition as I am about a two hour drive away. Needless to say, I am in the car driving with little more than my toothbrush, vitamins, laptop and Bible! All I can think is…will I see him again?

My Dad, Jerry, is the heart and soul of our family. He is the story teller, the evangelist, the man who has taken care of this family for the past 35 years. Mom and Dad met when they were both in their late 40’s. Needless to say I was born some 20 years prior, but Dad is the only earthly man I call Father. He still owns and operates Pacific Roofing in Modesto as he celebrates his 84th birthday last month. He owned racing cars, sailed to the British Virgin Islands on a custom built sailboat and lived on an island for seven years with Mom. The two of them have shared more adventures, and enjoyed a life that most of us could only dream about. Dad is one-of-a-kind. He takes care of my Mom who is suffering with dementia, and even on his bad days, he is full of love and grace along with the patience of Job, sprinkled in. I know, who is this Patron Saint? He’s just my Dad.

By the time I arrive to their home, Dad is sitting on his favorite recliner watching Hallmark Movies. Yep, that’s who he is. He is on portable oxygen which is from the garage, never to be used except for emergencies, but has been given a pass to crank it up until he can start breathing better. Any of you who are reading this are rolling your eyes, knowing that without a doctors order, he shouldn’t be using bootleg oxygen. And you are absolutely spot on. After talking with a Doc on the phone, I chatted with another Doctor on Video, and both told me to get him in to be evaluated ASAP. Mom still has her pajamas on but they are blue fuzzy jammies from Christmas, and are perfectly appropriate for a car ride to the Urgent Care. Once we arrive, I escort Dad in to the clinic, then head back and work crossword puzzles with Mom. And we wait. And we pray and we wait some more.

After about an hour, we head in and talk with the Dr. Vasi. What a Godsend this man is. He sits with me and tells me Dad will be fine. He has Congested Heart Failure (CHF) which we have been aware of for quite some time. His labs all came out good, no infection and he will be released as soon as he finishes using the bathroom for the up-tenth time. That’s what they do when you have fluid built up, lots of lasix and many trips to the stall! Bathroom trips, I can handle that God.

Why are you so merciful to me, to my Dad, to my mother and to the rest of our family? Just a few hours ago I had painted all these pictures in my head of what was to come. They were not pretty, they were of grief, anguish, sorrow and regret. What if I was the one who gave my Dad COVID? What if I never was able to tell him how much I loved him and how much I love the way he loves my Mom? What if’s are the games my brain plays when I entertain Satan and forget about who our merciful, gracious and loving God truly is!

Once again, God has my undivided attention. He knows how to keep me close, keep me seeking Him, keeps me coming back on my knees! Yesterday I was sitting at the lake talking to God about what He had planned for me this year. Who He wanted me to be and where He wanted me to go? Compassion is all I heard yet He desired me to seek Him at a depth that fills my entire soul and being with His presence. I must have complete trust in what He is doing in me and through me, in all circumstances. I need to know that He has my back, even when I didn’t feel it, deserve it or realize it. And I also must understand that this is nothing that I deserve but yet He gives it freely. Who is this God of ours? I ask myself that daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute. He is all I need, today, tomorrow and forevermore. Yes Lord, you have my undivided attention once again!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

Continue reading →